more classic video-gaming news

So Ricky Gervais is working on his Q*bert TV show, and I just learned last night that Al Pacino will be playing Mezmaron in the new live-action adaptation of the old Pac-Man cartoon show from the '80s. Al tells me Tom Stoppard is going over the script, and it's supposed to be directed by either Ang Lee or Brian Singer, depending on how the story (and the new Superman's box office, probably!) turns out—pretty different choices, although both of course have superhero experience, which I suppose is relevant, particularly since Al kept talking about the thing as if it were a superhero movie. They haven't picked anybody to play the Man himself. I suggested Norbert Leo Butz from the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels musical, which I saw a year ago, and I also thought "Lauren Weisberger" would be excellent in the role, but Al was very set on the idea that "He's gotta be Robert [Duvall], it can only be Robert," which frankly I can't quite see. I mean, the man is in his 70s. But apparently they've been talking to him about it and he's interested, so I don't know, maybe they'll prove me wrong. Drew's already tentatively attached as Ms. Pac-Man, and I understand Jack Black is dying to play Inky...

better than CATS

Axl sent me this link to a video he put up on YouTube. He just looooves kittens.

You get nothin' for nothin' if that's what you do
Turn around, bitch, I got a use for you
Besides, you ain't got nothin' better to do
And I'm bored.
-same guy

robot

Some people have asked me about that comment I made a while back suggesting (unsubtly) that a particular "person" might in fact be mechanized. Well, the truth of the matter is that I'm not sure. I felt sure when I posted it, but more and more I've doubted what I thought I saw. I don't want to incriminate myself, even though I am posting anonymously, so let's just say that my perception may have been a little on the altered side. And although, yes, I do have a blog that you might say is all about gossip, I don't really want to spread rumors unless I feel confident about their accuracy—even about people who have kidnapped me twice and probably will do it again for who knows what reason. What I can tell you for sure because I saw it again later and other people I know have confirmed it is that Macaulay has a wire sticking out of his neck. Also, he whirs when he walks.

SIGHTINGS

Lindsay Lohan tromping down Mott Street in a full-on Ghostbusters costume complete with proton pack ... famed literary critic and self-proclaimed dinosaur Harold Bloom having upscale pancakes at Norma's with Meg Ryan, Keira Knightley, and Suicide Girl Chloe St. Reagan, then leaving a paltry 5% tip ... New York Times grammar man William Safire snorting coke off an obese homeless woman's exposed left breast in an alleyway, after which he did a little "pee-pee dance" in his Care Bears underoos ... married beauty Liv Tyler canoodling with Zeus in the form of a ram ...

Just kidding about that last one—although I did see Yahweh making out with Lindsay in her Ghostbusters costume, was the surprise end to that particular story. Apparently he's off the meds again. Well, go get 'em, tiger! That's what I say...

An EVIL economist?

I know as well as anyone how little we sometimes know about our celebrity heroes (see earlier posts regarding Kurt, Axl, et al), but even I was surprised to learn this one. Mike Myers and I were checking out girls at the Apple Store on Prince Street, and he told me that his Austin Powers co-star Seth Green is also The Economist's U.S. columnist "Lexington." Never in a million years would I have put that together. At first I was sure Mike was fucking with me, but he swore up and down that it was true. It makes more sense when you forget his whole 1999 future-punk style and remember him as a young Woody Allen in Radio Days. I called Woody up to ask him if he knew anything about it, and he told me Seth is "just a little to the right of Attila the Hun" but that it was "nothing a heavy blow to head with a tire iron couldn't fix."

Speaking of physical violence, I've received a few concerned e-mails about the kidnapping business. I appreciate your concern, but I remain convinced that my life is not in danger. Macaulay Culkin is many things, but he is not a killer.

kidnapped again

The fucker won't give up. This time I had no toothbrush, and anyway Macaulay kept his distance and left me in a basement with a few masked goons to watch over me, so I had to think "outside the box." Remembering the Bogus Journey, I decided that if I ever at any point in the future gain access to a time machine, I'll be sure to go back in time and figure out a way to leave a gun for myself in the corner of the room where they'd thrown me. Well, amazing though it may seem, a gun was waiting for me right there, which is really doubly great: first of all, it meant I was able to get out without breaking a sweat, and second of all, it means that at some point in the future I'm going to gain access to a time machine!

In other news, I just can't get rid of Thom Yorke. Isn't Radiohead immensely popular, both among critics and citizens? Don't they have a huge fan base? Didn't they sell out Giants Stadium within five seconds of Ticketmaster's opening the metaphorical floodgates? So then somebody please explain to me why Thom was so excited when I told him I liked OK Computer. I didn't even use particularly strong language: I just said, "That's a really great album," and now the guy wants to follow me around all the time and talk about it and be my best friend. I'm like, Jesus, you're a nice guy and everything and I like your music, but leave me the fuck alone! Biz and I ended up ditching him at Via Quadronno this afternoon when he went to use the bathroom...

Not sure yet what to do about all the Macaulay business—unclear so far what the hell he wants. I sent him an e-mail about it and got an auto-response that consisted entirely of a long excerpt of some Socratic dialogue, followed by a line from Short Circuit ("Can you triangulate your position, Howard?"). At this point I'm thinking he's just lost his mind. Next time I'm prepared. Seriously.

just asking...

Which towheaded ex–child actor's hired goons kidnapped me two weeks ago and held me captive in a sewer apartment not at all dissimilar to Splinter's place in the old TMNT cartoons until I was able to return the favor and sidestep the visiting former star out of there with a broken toothbrush held up to the side of his neck? ... Even more shockingly, which presumed human being turns out, it would seem, to be a robot?

More soon.